My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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