I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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