So drunk, too bad you don't want this
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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