I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
