oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
