if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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