I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
