The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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