I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I think I just sharted jello shots
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
