I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
