Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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