I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I am naked and annoyed.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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