So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
