Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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