i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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