I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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