Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize