Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
