i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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