I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
