I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
