i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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