I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
