You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
