when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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