You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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