the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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