shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Randomize
