imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
