I think I won the penis lottery.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
