Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
3pm strippers are depressing
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
