cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
