3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
