Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
This baby is an asshole
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
