new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
