I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
