I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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