I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
