that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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