I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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