maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize