Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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