True but thats because hes a fetus.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
