At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
