Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
