I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
