i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
