I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
