I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
