tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
