we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
