Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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