i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize