Please, let me fuck your mom
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
