FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
