omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
