If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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