i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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