mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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