Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
