You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
