I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
The best revenge is premature balding
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
