No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize