dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
