i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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