Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
