i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
