my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
