john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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