You really coming over, don't trick.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
