If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
