nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
we should paint friendship bongs
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
