____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
