I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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