i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
