I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Randomize
