his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
