im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
